Lately I have realized that I look at the clock way too often. I look at the clock even when I am doing "hobby" activities and such. Hobbies are supposed to be enjoyable but I am not able to get much enjoyment out of them. And the funny thing is even if I got enjoyment out of them, there is always this crippling doubt that it will end and I will start suffering. So people talk about flow state, which is all well and good, however flow state will end eventually. That realization itself is going to make your flow state more volatile and, in my case, you will start checking the clock while doing what you are supposed to be doing, whether it is hobby, work or whatever else.
It is weird because I look at the clock when I am doing something and I am looking for something to do when I am not doing anything. It is a double edged sword in a way because whether you do something or not, you are screwed since you are never whole, you are never one with the being. It is always something that bothers you, that is occupying your mind. Sure, you can force yourself to be more in the moment but you will always feel that something "unfinished" is waiting in the corner. That unidentified negative feeling might be death itself as far as I am concerned. Since we are all going to die some day, we have that anxiety. You might think that your anxiety is rooted from something else such as social anxiety or surgery anxiety or whatever. But I believe those are convenient ways to frame anxiety itself. Because when you believe you have social anxiety, you will only feel anxious when you are in social situations and you won't have to worry all the time. It is good for you in a way for it restricts the feeling to just social situations. But when it is not restricted like that, the fear/anxiety of death can come at anytime. In other words, you could get reminded of your mortality while doing any action, however mundane it might be.
Me looking at the clock might be my brain's way of reminding me that I will die. At least this is what I concluded. I mean what else could it be? Some people will tell you that you feel anxious because you are not doing the gods will or you are not going to paradise or you are not in nirvana. However I am not one of those people. I suspect those people don't know what comes after death yet they are speculating about it. No one knows what happens after death, those who come closest to reality are the ones that say "It is nothingness", in my opinion. Because, at least they are speculating based on what is known. "It was a whole lot of nothingness before you were born, it will be the case after you die". They don't know it for sure but hey at least they are having a reasonable guess, more reasonable than religious ideas. And it is all you can do, you cannot test it or ask someone who were dead since they do no talk. So you can assess possible options and say "Ok, it is paradise, god or nothingness". Well, we had nothingness before so nothingness it shall be.
