I sometimes go through intense feelings of uneasiness. I don't know how to describe it really. I just feel uneasy/anxious. If you asked me what am I feeling anxious about or why do I feel that way, I honestly could not give you any answer because I can't tell. I also think sometimes we tend to associate things that are not necessarily directly related, so even if I came up with a reason for my anxiety, that does not necessarily need be the actual reason or there does not have to be any reason at all. Just because your brain associates things does not mean they are associated. This might sound like nonsense. You might say "Well, there are biological reasons for anxiety. For example, if you are in the presence of wild, dangerous animal or if you have not eaten in a while, It is expected that you feel anxious.". Then my answer would be "Yeah, that makes sense but that is still your brain that is coming up with the reason.". Feeling-wise you can only tell that you feel anxious. Reasoning comes from your brain. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying there are not any biological reasons for stress. I am simply saying it comes from the brain. Therefore if you somehow manage to trick your brain to not to worry about something, then it won't worry about it or even if your body feels worry, you won't associate it with any cause. My aim in saying all this is to point that I feel uneasy without an apparent reason. I am asking myself "Why do I feel that way?" but I simply cannot come up with anything, even when I am thinking about it right now.

Why Am I Telling All This?

Now, me explaining that I feel anxious might seem pointless to some, especially when I can't come up with a reason why I do. You might say "Why are you saying/writing about it? Just feel it and be done with it.". However, there might be some benefit of writing about it, not only to me but to the reader as well. I am writing about it and I feel a sense of meaning doing so. I can't quite explain what that meaning is but I can say that It makes me feel not all that bad, makes me feel good even. So, yes, I am selfish and I am trying to feel good by writing about it. However, hear me out here, There might be something you get out of it as well. It may be the case that you feel good about reading it as well. I sure hope that is the case. I would not wanna produce something that makes people feel bad, especially when there is no point to it. Furthermore, if you feel neither good nor bad and you just simply feel nothing, then I guess it is your decision if you should keep reading this. In the end, I hope you feel good and get something out of this, just like I do.

 Another thing is that, sometimes if you are doing an activity that makes you forget that you are alive and you are mortal, that is just good in and of itself. You do not need to feel ecstatic or anything similar, simply doing the thing should be good enough in most cases, at least in my opinion. But If you are the type of person that wants to feel as joyful as possible as often as possible, you have to remember that joyful moments are followed by a crash. If your dopamine levels are higher than usual, it is going to be followed by a crash, which means it will go below your baseline for a while. I believe you can also experience this dopamine crash personally. Do something that makes you feel exhilarating, wait a bit and see how you feel. In my opinion, it kind of feels bad. If you try to combat that by doing something even more joyful, then next crash will be even worse. It is what drug addiction is essentially. You need more and more drugs just to stay above the baseline. Other activities, such as running, dancing etc. are not the same as drugs however same principle should apply. Crash is going to eventually come. One thing that can help is that getting the crash while doing the activity, at least it is what helps me. For example, you might be eating a chocolate, while eating it it will feel ecstatic and after that you will feel bad. Instead, you can try to get mini crashes while eating the chocolate so that you will go through this hit-crash cycle a few times during eating phase. That way your drop won't be as severe and you will stay present as much as possible. Again you might object to it and say big hit followed by big crash is better. Then I would say try both, see what is better for yourself and apply that in your life. Chances are you are gonna do both from time to time. After all that devation, I wanna connect that to why I write. Now, while writing this, I am switching between feeling good and feeling nothing. Yet even when I am feeling nothing, I think it is worth to write because I forget about my mortality and I am in the moment, in other words, I am in flow state. That should be good enough. 

Anyways, This writing started with the subject of my worry without origin and somehow went to "Why do I write?". That was not planned, I just followed my thoughts from moment to moment and this is what they came up with. I wanna end by saying I might write more about "Why should one write/Why do I write?" in the future. For now, thanks for reading.